Punishment

In my mind hatred flies at me with unceasing frenzied fervor
The people who despise me join forces and tell me
how craven and worthless and useless I am-
lazy, disgusting, degraded, a series of mistakes and now fouled
God must hate you they keep saying to me.
They tell me often we hate you because God hates you.

They are explaining it is a random choice.
The whims of the Creator that killed Abel
and made Esau forfeit his place
the same mind that preferred Joseph
decided you were wretched and a waste.

I do not even want to defend myself.
I listen and try to be quiet, like
being beaten or kicked if I move
I am saying the job is not done.

I try to be calm- their hatred for me keeps running
through my mind- you are hated because you are so awful-

The times I turn to you must be your blessing
Being covered and in prayer I take some comfort
from your grace and blessing.


Your love has faded from my vision
like the light dying in the sky as the night deepens
all the brilliant blessed moments
fade and the smothering weakness
of darkness takes hold of every navigating point.

I remember sitting in the car and thinkingyou did not love me
and the answer was quiet. No- this is not hate-
this lack is not a feeling from God

it must be punishment being given to me
and gratitude must be the response I need.
Every sin washes off of me.
This isolation becomes more and more the scraping
clean of diseased life, life where my life
lvies without you. Live then I can tell myself,
the love I need is purifying me for
love or heaven. I can anticipate
less time spent in hell's isolation
if I do not resist this cleansing.

I look around at the love in other people's lives
and think of the blessings I have-
of a man who said he had no one we should call if he were sick
of people lying on the street wrapped in bags
of the childless, the penniless, all the homeless, the friendless
of all this lest I forget to thank you
and spendd time in worship and praise.